In 2017 I was pregnant with my first baby and I knew I didn’t want an epidural. I understood the benefits to me and my baby to have an unmedicated birth and I was very afraid of needles! My husband and my mom accompanied me to the hospital when my water broke and I told them “don’t let me get an epidural!” 8 hours later of back to back, unrelenting contractions, I had a cervical exam and was only 3 cm dilated. I was so afraid. My husband and my mom tried so hard to help me, but the hospital midwife said I needed an epidural. I got one and I was devastated. From there came a cascade of interventions that still affect me and my child today. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and breastfeeding was very difficult for the first 3 months. I carried my grief for a year, until I became pregnant again and used it as fuel for learning how to birth a different way.

After devouring all the books about physiological birth and consuming all the positive birth stories and videos I could find, I hired a wonderful doula and walked into my redemptive second birth. This time, with a midwife who knelt next to me on the floor for hours and told me I could do it, I did the hardest and most powerful thing I’ve ever done. I can’t say I enjoyed it! But I can say it healed my soul. My body and my soul glided through postpartum with ease and joy.

Two years later, I became pregnant a third time and was delighted/terrified to find out it was twins! After my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage of twins at 14 weeks, I always knew that twins were destined to come my way. I dreamed of twins as a young girl (probably because Anne of Green Gables had them!) and even though I understood how much work it was going to be, I was excited for two babies at once. The pregnancy quickly became a trial by fire with extreme nausea and hyperemesis, along with the terrible news that licensed midwives cannot care for the pregnancy or delivery of twins in the state of Utah. After being unable to find the right unlicensed midwife for me, I started to go through doctors. Each one I met with was unrelenting in their insistence of intervention. I hired my wonderful doula and she helped me find a doctor who was confident in my ability to have an unmedicated birth. After a month of prodromal labor, I finally felt like the time had come. My doula was very ill and my doctor was not on call. The doctor who WAS on call was not onboard with physiological birth and spent the night trying to get me to go to the OR to deliver. My backup doula was the perfect support and, in spite of all the obstacles, I was able to serenely enter the portal to a birth that changed my life. My twins were born unmedicated on the hospital floor, 3 minutes apart, despite the nurse’s and doctor’s loud protests.

Some days I wish I could go back and have a peaceful home birth, to do it on my own terms and feeling safe and loved in my own home. But each of my births changed me and shaped me into the woman I am. They are a part of my story and I will forever be grateful for what they each taught me. Now it is my privilege to walk with women while they shape their own stories.